Mindful Eroticism dot Com

A book published by William H. Masters and Virginia K. Johnson in 1970, represents the ancestral force in the Sex Positive Movement.

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This will be upcoming.

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Authors Barry Komisaruk, Carlos Beyer-Flores, and Beverly Whipple explore the research to the date of the book, The Science of Orgasm published in 2006.

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Relating vaginal pain and erectile dysfunction to muscle tension that when relieved will cure the ailment.

A Headache in the Pelvis

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American Psychological Association No Duh Moment: “Practitioners Should Avoid Telling Clients They Can Change from Gay to Straight”

The recent release of “The American Psychological Association Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation” marks an important milestone in further debunking the right wing fundamentalist agenda to convert gays into straights. Some studies have been attempted to substantiate successes of programs aimed at reprogramming the sexual preferences of people, but the Task Force found them to be deeply flawed in their execution and analysis. From a Buddhist perspective, the whole enterprise is an absurdity, for lasting mental change is effected only through establishing mindfulness and mental clarity with subsequent spontaneous maturation, never through brute force retraining and reconditioning.

The resolution summarizes as follows:

WHEREAS, Research has shown that family rejection is a predictor of negative outcomes…and that parental acceptance and school support are protective factors…for sexual minority youth;

THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association affirms that same-sex sexual and romantic attractions, feelings, and behaviors are normal and positive variations of human sexuality regardless of sexual orientation identity;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association reaffirms its position that homosexuality per se is not a mental disorder and opposes portrayals of sexual minority youths and adults as mentally ill due to their sexual orientation;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association concludes that there is insufficient evidence to support the use of psychological interventions to change sexual orientation;

So it is written, so it shall be, at least with those therapists who listen to the APA. I think it is ironic that sexual preference is so hard to change and gender is relatively easy to change. In most of our minds, we think of gender as a fixed thing and sexual preference as malleable. It is clearly the opposite in reality. This is because gender is a result of gross physical characteristics that respond easily to simple hormone manipulation. The plastic surgery that some undergo is simply the finishing touch on what is largely orchestrated by the balance between estrogen and testosterone. Sexual preference, however, is not changed by hormonal balance. It is a preference that is learned early in life and is therefore deeply ingrained in the mind. Such preferences are present across billions of neurons all interconnected. This is why they resist change once established. The neural network of the brain learns these preferences just as the visual cortex learns preferences for certain colors or movement directions. These neurons also resist change. They are plastic before imprinting establishes the preferences, but once the preferences have been established, it is as if the neurons had been specially created for the preferences they represent. This is not the case, for they were not specially created for the preferences they represent. The preferences are only the result of the way the neurons are connected and exposed to input from the senses and from other areas of the brain. So it is the same with sexual preferences. What I am saying here is based on basic learning models established by cognitive psychologists. I have extrapolated from the learning theories in order to explain sexual preference, but it really is not going out on much of a limb to say what I have here. Hopefully others will come to the same conclusions in the future.

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Sometimes you’re in the mood, sometimes you’re not. This happens to both men and women. In a couple someone will be the low sex drive person, while the other is the high sex drive person. That’s just the way it is. This is thinking straight out of David Schnarch’s works, by the way, not really my own, but I buy into it 100 percent as it makes perfect sense. In relationships, there is never perfect equality. The roles can sometimes shift, yes, but also sometimes we get a little stuck in the low and high sex drive roles. This is where bedroom gear can come in handy, to improve the seduction of the low sex drive partner. We need to first have open communication with low reactivity and high receptivity. Once that difficult groundwork is established, then on to the fireworks. However, even fireworks require careful preparation.

Few things can prepare a person better for a sexual interaction than a good massage. It is all too easy to fall into the trap of giving a bad massage. Fortunately, it doesn’t really require any significant training to give a good massage to someone you know well or are otherwise sexually attracted to as long as you have the right equipment. What it requires is some leverage and decreased friction, just like they taught us in physics class. First, the bed is an awful place to give a massage. The floor is even worse. Furthermore, for a non-professional, a massage table is very awkward to lean over. It is also difficult to store. Fortunately, someone was nice enough to make idiot-proof massage chairs that are inexpensive and comfortable to use. For instance, my wife and I use the OneTouch Journey Massage Chair, which can be ordered online, shipped cheaply, and set up in minutes. It also stores easily. I also recommend avoiding pure mineral oil, baby oil or the like, unless you like sticky staining messes or can put down a tarp. Instead, use Biotone Advanced Therapy Massage Gel with a pump head you can get at a beauty supply store. It glides on the skin like a dream and makes you feel like a professional masseuse even if you have very little idea what you are doing. Decreasing friction goes a long way to improving your intuitive technique, believe me.

A couple other more specialized massage items involve what are known as “trigger points”. These are taut bands of contracted muscle that cause enormous pain throughout the body. We all get them, we just don’t realize it. Common low back pain and tension headaches are mostly trigger point related. I use two tools to release these trigger points that I find as I massage my wife’s muscles. The first is the Trigger Triangle and the second is the Trigger Point Therapy Massage Kit. When using these tools, that come with handy instructions, pressure with or without vibration from the hand is applied for about 30 seconds, which causes a relaxation response in the affected muscle. This provides great relief to stressed out bodies. One more great massage tool is the Heart Stone Massager from SlumberParties.com. However, it is so exclusive, I can’t even provide a proper link here in this article.

Once in the bed, like a good male stereotype, I like to whip out a few more power tools. Some men feel a little ashamed to use vibrators with their partners. First of all, there is nothing to be ashamed of when you provide out of this world ecstasy to your partner. Second of all, it is silly to limit the use of vibrators to the woman’s body. All humans respond to vibration. It is a sense present in every square inch of the skin. So a little back and forth switch giving and receiving with the vibrator might take away that sting of inadequacy that is sometimes wrongly associated with the vibrator. So on to specifics. Many have heard of the Hitachi Magic Wand. It is the gold standard vibrator. It is truly awesome. Unfortunately, it is also attached to a power cord. In my bedroom, it is very easy to get far away from an outlet while on the bed. Big orange extension cords don’t really cut it when you’re trying to sustain a subtle mood. That’s why I’m glad I found the Human Touch Acuvibe (HT-1260). Though not quite as powerful as a Hitachi Magic Wand, it is pretty strong, plus it’s cordless and rechargeable. If you need something less aggressive or maybe in combination, I also highly recommend the Fun Factory LAYAspot. This is a lot like the Lelo from Sweden but it’s less expensive and pretty much just as good.

If you saw the Coen Brothers film, Burn After Reading, you may have noticed the large purple wedge that George Clooney carries around with him from tryst to tryst. This is, of course a Liberator Wedge, readily available for all adventurers. The wedge is comedic appearing, as seen in the movie. It simply isn’t discreet. Fortunately, the fine folks at Liberator finally made one item that is much more discreet but entirely as useful as the wedge. It is the Liberator Whirl. It resembles an oversized neck roll and can be ordered in a color like tan that is much more sedate than the Barney purple one toted by George Clooney.

Just as you’re about to get into that AVN award winning gymnastic sex position, though, you may want to slather your goods in grease. You can never have too much lube, is my motto. Many of you have heard of Astroglide. Fortunately, it is now distributed in drug stores and not just scary adult book shops. Additionally, they came up with two superior improvements in the original product, which are called Astroglide X and Astroglide Natural. The first has more silicone-type lubricant in it, the second is lighter and more “oral-friendly” if you get what I mean. One downside to the lube is definitely the lack of palatability. The “natural” product tries to overcome this.

If that doesn’t get you worked up enough, do what I do, tie up your sweetie. Better yet, have her tie you up. What with, you may ask? I favor Twisted Monk Hemp Rope. It is soft, comes in rich delicious colors and it’s what traditional Japanese artists have used for years. Just remember, a wider diameter rope will cut into the skin less owing to the distribution of pressure over a larger surface area. Again, it’s just plain physics, that’s all. And if you want the Cadillac of blindfolds, get a Dream Essentials Sleeping Mask. It’s comfy and lightproof. It’s much better than the crap they sell at the novelty stores.

Finally, where to put all your toys? I know I have problems losing the remote controls in the bed all the time. Even worse if you let your vibrator go wandering with the dust bunnies. So why not get organized with the Neatnix Stuff Bucket? It’s made of washable fabric and it stores just about anything, remotes, toys, crafts. I also use these in the shower as they are water-resistant.

Well, that about wraps it up for now. I hope this has been of benefit to those who have taken the time to read it. Thank you.

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My spouse and I are currently in counseling. One of the many sources of knowledge of our therapist is Dr. David Schnarch’s volume, Constructing the Sexual Crucible. In it, he proposes many things, but one of those things I wish to bring up here is regarding delayed orgasm. I will quote here at length from Dr. Schnarch’s follow-up book, Resurrecting Sex:

“Although most men and women have occasional difficulty reaching orgasm, persistent delay or absence of orgasm is a significant problem for some. Women and men who have difficulty reaching orgasm often feel tremendous pressure…Many women are unable to reach orgasm during intercourse…In the 1994 NHSLS study, orgasm problems were the second most common complaint from women of all ages…According to the NHSLS study, one man in a dozen has difficulty reaching orgasm…Male problems with delayed orgasm typically invlove not being able to reach a climax after trying for some time. However, some men find ther orgasm and ejaculation are ‘out of sync.’…Some men, like some women, don’t acknowledge difficulties having orgasms, especially if their self-worth is on the line…”

Dr. Schnarch underlines the importance of emotional attachment in later chapters to undergird and shore up orgasm potential. In other words, people are having difficulty reaching orgasm due to excessive emotional detachment. Furthermore, sexual activity that is engaged while in the emotionally detached state will have the characteristic of needing increasing amount of “kink” to kick start the orgasmic process. Not to denigrate the “kink industry” or ethos if you will, because I strongly endorse inclusion of “kinkiness” that is emotionally engaged, open, consensual, loving, and orgasm-promoting that is consistent with the underpinnings of the Sex Positive Movement. At the same point, we can now understand why some in history have gone to such extremes to get sexual satisfaction, and have scared those who are inherently more conservative. For instance, if you go the the writings of the Marquis de Sade, and directly read the fiction that he actually wrote, for instance the novel “Justine, or ‘Good Conduct Well Chastised’”, one finds a description of brutality that is quite beyond what one might expect from today’s average BDSM fiction writer. It is the emotional detachment that serves as the trap to entice the sexual adventurer to seek out ever more stimulating sources of entertainment in order to derive orgasmic satisfaction. Likewise, emotional attachment, which is to say, emotional engagement with one’s partner, which is also known as empathy, emotional mirroring, and many other descriptive terms, reinvigorates the orgasmic potential and sensitizes the person to stimulation, lowering the threshold needed for achieving sexual satisfaction. That is why true love strengthens sexual satisfaction, to the extent that true love is defined as the process of dynamic, effective empathic connection with one’s partner. As an aside, I believe this process is largely related to serotonin, oxytocin, and similar receptor systems that have saturation properties which can sometimes be disturbed by outside intervention, such as the use of the SSRI class of antidepressants, such as Prozac (fluoxetine), Paxil (paroxetine), Wellbutrin (bupropion), Zoloft (sertraline), Celexa (citalopram), Lexapro (escitalopram), Effexor (venlafaxine), and Luvox (fluvoxamine).

By way of example, I would like to bring into the discussion a recently released erotic movie, Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex. It may seem odd for me to cite an erotic movie as containing the working materials for a healthy relationship, as some of the actors are not long term couples, which goes against the grain for some readers. However, I do think that what each of the couples filmed in this project do share is a strong empathy which shows itself in the enjoyment of the participating actors. Now granted, the title is about “Rough Sex” and the stimulation is very strong indeed in this movie, however it is not as extreme as some of the offerings that have surfaced over the years, nor is it certainly near the degree of violence of the Marquis de Sade’s imagination. Furthermore, there is a long interview section that really gives insight into each actors feelings about the sexual act, and they demonstrate a level of maturity and empathic potential that far outpaces what probably some unfortunate marrieds might experience. The point is not to say that the duration of relationship is the important thing but rather the empathic connection that creates the orgasmic heat for the participants. I am not endorsing or denigrating short or long term relationships of any kind. What I am criticizing is relationships that lack empathic connection. These are the sad relationships. These are the ones in desperate need of repair. Caring and understanding brings hope and joy to all relationships and they will put the “gasm” back in your orgasm for sure.

I hope this article is of benefit to those kind enough to read it.

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